I didn’t check this blog yesterday –

I checked my email and other than a form letter from Guardian ad Litem and some promotions from various businesses, including HewlettPackard – which clearly does NOT read this blog, otherwise they’d know I can’t stand the HP mini – but continue to use it, because it is what I foolishly chose, based on ad claims, to purchase.

I delete their ‘Hurry up! 3 day sale!” emails with glee.

Notes to be expanded on later, after I look for suitable birthday gifts for the girl. She will be six on Monday. She has asked for balsa wood and a Barbie car.

This is the last photo of this cluster of branches held against the sky. There was a surprising thunder and lightning storm yesterday afternoon.

Hours later – under dry skies with little breeze – the old oak fell…cleanly across the driveway of the property next door, by which the children’s father reaches the house he had built after we
split.

I took special care to point this out as he was negotiating the purchase of the lot. Go figure.

It might seem that I’d be smugly gleeful over the tree that he of rented chainsaw must now deconstruct. I’m not. A downed tree is a hassle I’d wish on nobody.

However, I must admit, while I was watching the storm, sitting on the porch tired and with that dull sense of ache and uselessness…well, I wished for lightning to hit a tree…with the same knawing (sic) wishing that I used to plea for the sky to give me a sign…

After the children fell asleep to the droning of chains gnawing through wood, I wanted to go and help drag limbs through wet grass, sparkling with red lights and blue swooping arcs. I am strong. I would’ve been useful.

I love the smell of fallen oak in rain. It reminds me, ironically, of being young.

I didn’t offer to help. It would’ve bothered him.

…pride is a pretty silly sort of thing. Nonetheless, I felt something akin to that fullness of self when I checked in on this blog a bit earlier and was able to tell my boy, “Look! Someone from Bucharest saw my pictures! Look! India! Canada! Olympia!”

He smiled and I smiled and I am certain that, for my children, standing up for myself and the beauty I see, the potential we have for grace and dignity…well, extending my hand – even in this initial digital way…it is the right thing to do.

Thank you all so much for your time and hopefulness.

I am going to be recording the song of the day a bit later. I also have some drawings and more recent cloud pictures to post. For now, I need to go shopping for balsa.