show details May 14 (4 days ago)
Sitting in the waiting room of my primary care physician’s office. Drug rep day apparently. The place is filled with them! All they are talking about is hotels! “Well, and then you check in and…” and boxes, “when I was in Mars Hill they needed like 16 boxes, and…I checked the need and don’t need boxes…” and locations: ” Ingles on Tunnel, B&B on Haywood. Um…Bryson City I’ve done, Brevard I’ve done but I need to do again. I can do the Ingles at Flat Rock, I haven’t done it, but I can do it…”

Weird scene for sure. Icky-sexy black dress talking to gross polo shirt guy. Old lady reps going over locations, all of them with slick black bagslaptopsshinedshoebusinesssuit.

The reason I am at the ridiculous drug rep day at my primary care physician’s office is because last night after feeling woozy and weary and warm most of the day, I sat up in bed at 3:30 am and feeling quite sick, got up to go upstairs – I’m not sure why I wanted to go upstairs, maybe to use the bathroom. We prefer the spacious but inconvenient upstairs bathroom. Maybe I knew I was going to throw up.

At any rate: I did.

The contents of an empty stomach and a surprising amount of blood in various states: some slick foamy strings, some tinge-ing the whole mess a weird bile-y pink, some in darkening clots along the edges. It wasn’t the color and flat taste on the back of my tongue that confirmed to me that I had just thrown up blood (horror!) But the behavior of the substance, the viscosity and rates of suspension. Not at all like watermelon, which is very red, but not like blood at all. It’s like watermelon.

My stomach has had a dullstabbingdull pain in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. There is a medical term for this part of the body. There is a medical term for everything. Everything.

This morning I tried to make myself throw up so that I’d have more proof that the whole thing wasn’t just a terrible lucid dream. Of course, my mom was there. I called her at 3:48 am. I was upset and scared. What about the kids? Smart Fun Week? Not to mention: am I going to die?
My sweater smelled like the oily sweat brought on by reverse peristalsis. My teeth felt starchy.

I couldn’t make myself puke this morning. But, really. It couldn’t have been a dream. When I took Olive to school this morning, I confided in a mom-friend/friend-friend what had happened, careful not to talk about it in a way that sounded insane. Strict reality, no reaction. I told her about trying to get proof, a sample which I could present to my primary care physician and which would provide necessary medical information and which would prove that, no: it wasn’t a dream, I am not going to die, I am not crazy.

Awful stuff. I resigned myself to dealing with it in the most reasonable way possible. Not going to the ER. No way, dude.

Shit, my stomach is really feeling weird. Keep it together together.

That is where the mind goes when one throws up blood. Now I know.

show details May 15 (2 days ago)
I apparently may have some sort of ulcerous activity in my stomach. Poor stomach. Stupid coffee and soda.

My mother had a best friend in college who managed the local bottling plant of a popular corporate soda. “He’d come home from work and the trunk of the car would be filled with cases of soda. It was all they ever drank!”

My mom’s friend, Holden, died when she was in college. Stomach cancer.

That’s it! I must swear off of soda. Drink tea instead! Eat bananas and rice. Limit coffee. Ach. Oh, coffee – how can I limit thee? Besides I get most of my calcium from coffee – since I mix in enriched soy milk. Of course, it is entirely possible that the acid in the coffee breaks down the calcium in the soy milk and I am just kidding myself. Maybe I should drink it faster?

I’ve heard tell of acid neutralizing tabs to add to coffee. I must investigate these things.

Sore neck, ache-y hands, torn up belly. Time to take better care of the ol’ girl.

Speaking of: the chickens must be contained. I am going to give them part of the porch, enclosed it with a series of flexible screened panels, framed in wood and hung by a series of hinges and chains? I will need to frame in the…um, frame. But should be a piece of cake. They can then hang out on the porch and access their coop by means of a ramp-esque linkage between coop and porch. Freakin’ chickens.

show details 4:55 PM (53 minutes ago)

Yup. Drinking just as much coffee as I ever do. The stomach no longer hurts and – well, that’s that. A freak occurence, a black swan. That is what my mother calls anything totally bizarre and unexpected: a black swan.

Whoa! Crazy-heavy rainfall! On this sunny afternoon! “It just started raining and now it is pouring!”

Keeping up with this anchor project has been really challenging lately. Figuring out a new medium, crocheting a hat. Which is going surprisingly well. I am at least able keep track of what I am doing.

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