If any of you are wondering why I killed my facebook account – mothballed it, so to speak – – –

my life has been (with the exception of obvious blessing, children, etc.) – as far as my interactions with people, total exhausting shit for months. Some new little heartbreak each and everyday – trying to connect with people in some way that is meaningful…I know, go out! Meet people. Help people. Thanks to all these folks, I guess. Shingle Springs? Hialeah?

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I am so damn sick of trying to meet people and help people. It feels like my whole damn life has spent trying to meet people…waiting for some connection with them that feels remotely like home. I may be verbose, but the world is full of verbosity – and I try to speak in a way that is mindful…

All I have wanted in my life is to feel like I could be myself and be accepted and, at the very least, appreciated just because we all ought to be appreciated.

My mom appreciates me. My kids try, but children aren’t so great at appreciation. I try to model appreciative attitudes for them, explaining that we all have so many things about us that are worthy of quiet wonder.

I am not trying to prove anything – except for the clouds, but I don’t even care so much about them. I just want someone to say hello…without me asking them, too.

What a weird small little life.

I still want to talk to Glenn Beck, but I woke up this morning and cared a significant amount less about what happens to the world. Which is sad – because what stands to suffer the most harm – what is suffering the most now – are the populations of humans that have been edged out of our new notion of humanity, animals wild and domestic, and our habitat…

And people know this – thousands of people know this. I have been trying to connect with people who are objective and analytical and neutral enough politically to see that it is not about politics…it is about taking care of our communities and making sure that we don’t let people fall through the widening cracks…and the people who are stirring this pot to a froth need to stop.

I don’t watch tv, I hardly listen to the news. I just sort of think about things as I am driving my gas powered vehicle to my well-stocked marketplace…

I am not an alarmist, but it is alarming to me.

I was right!

How odd, to reach out to so many in so many different ways and to not make a single viable friend. A friendship that doesn’t feel fragile or false.

So, back to emailing myself. I will be happy to talk to anyone, anytime. My ideas are good – use them. Be nice to each other.

I have no idea what I am going to do with this new information. How can I raise my kids to try to be good people in a culture that is not good…and to what end? So they can feel alienated and freakish? I want my kids to be happy.

I am somewhat satisfied in that at least now I am not exhausting myself trying to say the right thing…there is some freedom in that. I guess. Doesn’t matter much if you don’t talk to people.

I am going to beach with my kids and I will post when I get back. I think I am going to shift over to fiction. Fiction and painting should get me through the year just fine. If anyone wonders how I got to be so damn austere, well – the story is right here.

I have tried to stay ‘in touch’ with the world as it is conceived by media and culture. But, in all honesty, I find it depressing and dull and frustrating.

Yes, fiction will be nice. I am ready for fiction. I will just write and post and at some point, well – something will make sense again. Fiction will be hard…I suck at fiction. Which is why, I guess, it is so hard for me to buy into our social fictions.

Really, it’s baffling. Why is it so hard for a nice person – albeit a bit uptight and wordy, clumsy at fb rules – why should it be so hard to stay in a loop for more than a second?

I guess it’s the curse of the socially isolated – attempts at interaction are so significant in the mind of the isolated that are skewed toward some strange awkward that is apparently quite off-putting to people. And so the efforts to interact with people in a genuine way actually reinforce 1) the impression that the world misunderstands you, 2) the tendency to isolate

I don’t think that many of you realize that a year ago, I didn’t write with significance, and I didn’t know how to draw hands very well. I would never deem myself brave enough to talk to someone such as Mr. Beck – but, he is just a human. I am not scared to tell him that vehemence solves nothing. Why should that be such an off-putting message. Yes, the world is vehement. However, there are plenty of resources for developing mindful communication skills and it makes absolutely no sense to me why someone – anyone – who proclaimed to care about his or her constituency would engage in time wasting and divisive dialogue.

People in America don’t seem to like proactive neutrality as a political stance, do they? I think it confuses them. What? Actually talk to ‘the enemy’? Huh? Try to understand things from their point of view and identify what the salient points are.

Chances are good that, as pithy as it sounds, most of us really do just want everything to be okay. A lot of people are willing to work for it, too. However, my observation of social movements in the past year or so is that – just as it always has been – we are fractured. The solution will be harder than I thought. Which is a shame, because it just shouldn’t be this brutally complicated folks, not if we have our priorities in order…

and the least of our concerns, today – should be the election in 2012…people need to calm down and find some voice of reason that keeps them calm. Frickin’ people, man.

I have to pack for the beach. I hope ya’ll have a nice few days. Get in touch if you need to. Ha.


By the way – I think facebook might be having a dangerous numbing affect on middle class culture. It certainly seems, for the most part, a waste of time. Oh well – it’s your time. It’s not like you are not informed.

Do you believe me now?


I understand why you are so quiet now.

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