points of clarification and reflection

April 08

Even then, I renamed this photograph from it’s numbers to ‘oldsky’ – – – I didn’t know why it seemed old…the light, I suppose.

I have always noticed the sky, but it wasn’t until the morning after I buried my best friend (a dog) that it seemed to nag me. I got this blue diamond tattoo that day. It didn’t heal for almost a month, I thought that all the ink had ‘fallen out’ – it had all but disappeared under the wound…and then suddenly, within a day, it did heal.

These are randomly from August 12…my father tells me that he first became ‘concerned’ in mid-August. Well, I was concerned, too. I tried to show him the repetitive ‘3’ forms (not specifically featured in these photos) and he stood at my right shoulder and spoke to me as if I were a child: “Well, Faith, are you going to show us all the threes?” and I became so rattled by the doubt and condescension in his voice that I couldn’t see a damn thing.

I like the kangaroo form in this picture. It reminds me that I almost went to Australia in 2000, for an indefinite trip. I had my tickets and my visa filed…and then I got scared.

Aside from my children, I probably would’ve been better off if I’d gone.

The triangle is fairly clear and impossible in the above photo.

Here are some photos from early September, the 7th. About a week before it all fell apart…I didn’t really fall apart, but my life did. It happens.

I wonder if the extremely massive doses of pyroxidine (B6) that I was taking, via commercial energy drinks, had something to do with the sense of increased neurotransmission, as well as an increase in serotonin levels that led me to be perfectly happy and content to take take pictures of clouds and think about how our electrical systems and nervous systems respond to broad environmental stimuli and whether or not we, ourselves, can be a source of electrical stimuli.

It all did, and – to me – still does make a fair amount of sense.

Whether or not I proved God, Holy Ghosts, the evolutionary and spiritual value of ‘bipolarity’ or simply the vast disinterest in any of it…well, it’s debatable.

I did, if nothing else, appreciate the fact that this cloud looked very much like a cat with wings and that it had circles at it’s chest.

This big formation appeared to me as an owl, diving toward prey, talons ready to grasp the trees.

Butterfly and pangolin? Hip bones? They can be whatever you want them to be.

There is clear partial portraiture here, as well as a lower left quadrant bobcat
that I thought my mother would like.
She has always been fond of bobcats.

I guess I go back and forth with my belief and intention. I just want things to be better. Not so much for me…but, for everybody. It makes me sad that people probably won’t ever know about how close they are to everything and everyone that came before them…because corporate media doesn’t give a damn about God, by any name. Wouldn’t the old ones probably find military manipulation of of our underwater sound waves to be repulsive, not to mention the splitting of atoms and the drilling of our underground so we can get to our pointless jobs on time…and, of course, all the killing that spins this sphere in all the wrong directions?

I just stay at home as much as possible because I have been so poorly construed here that I don’t really trust anyone to speak my name without some appraisal – good or bad – attached.

I am tired of appraisal and scrutiny, of being in the third person.

I have been socially isolated for well over a decade, since 1997, and so it’s no new thing. I am applying to jobs here and there, half-heartedly because I know what work will lead to…just another cycle of rising to occasions and falling alone at the end of the day after day after day.

I need to find some way to support myself, but to be honest…I don’t think that much about it right now. My great-grandmother, who owned the land my father sold, probably wouldn’t begrudge me a small degree of monetary support, given the circumstances.

People place so much value on our ability to work. That’s one reason why the ‘mentally ill’ are useless in this culture…because, as cogs, we wear out young…not because we are weak, but we because we have a hard time keeping our blinders in place, we get confused and wounded by things that most folks simply ignore…it’s just how some of us are wired…

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