The view from my window: a fairly intricate overlapping, involving several old oaks, of leaves and branches and open air – which changes depending on how you look at it. I liked this view.
It reminded me of the little icon on the corner of the book I found under the oven the other day.
I remain hopeful and full of clarity in my considerations and confidence in my accrued evidence and supporting experiences, some going back over two decades…near forgotten conversations, a book read at a particular time.
It is overwhelming, to reclaim the validity and worth of my life…and to do so alone in what I have long referred to as my ‘walking and talkingness’ – the moving about in the world, seeing days through, blah blah blah self.
The one who has a boatload of unfortunate hoops to jump through in the upcoming month, beginning with a therapy appointment tomorrow which will cost me 70.00 that I don’t necessarily have to spend so I can explain to someone what I have already explained and explained and explained…in order to prove I am working toward my improved mental well-being, which – in the minds of many – likely is characterized by mothballing this proof a universalist and ecosystemic God that moves in ways we, for the most part, have not recognized in thousands of years and that seems to have gotten my attention.
These snake forms were hovering in the eastern sky when I was driving out to my parent’s home. I had to stop and get a few dollars worth of gasoline, because we still do that and I just stood in the parking lot and took a few pictures. I guess that’s a pretty big part of what I do now, pay attention and take pictures of clouds...among other things.
I do not understand why the variable that could – if handled properly and mindfully – solve so many problems that have plagued us for years, centuries…why it is so doubted, or feared, or ignored. It is big, yes…probably more vast than we could ever even realize – but, it is good. For everyone, if we allow it to be. If we deny ourselves the arrogant indulgence of disbelief and simply accept that we are far from where we were ever intended to be and getting further every day, with every dollar spent on war, etc. we get closer to hell…
I am not sure exactly what hell is, perhaps it is the denial of our place among friends in the clouds, where we are truly and joyfully free from the constraints of solid ground. Perhaps we are just doomed to roam around seeking broken lives to inhabit and to live the sadness and misery of a life without enlightenment…again and again, until perhaps we get it right? I don’t know. I don’t know much about any of this, I am simply doing the best I can with the material I have to work with…pictures, sense, instinct, heart, memory. I think most religions just did the best they could to explain it and then some of them got it wrong…thought that The Almighty was something that served us, that could be used to wield our will upon the world that we, as individuals, so briefly inhabit.
This afternoon I cried in the car after saying goodbye to my kids, after I got to visit with them. Less out of a selfish want of them, though I love them like I love my own bones and I cherish the possibilities that their stories hold…but, more out of the realization that they don’t need me in the way that they did. They do need me. All children need their mothers, always. However, children are not children forever and I want them, and all children, to have a world that is better than this one. I don’t think that makes me crazy. All I have ever really wanted to do with my life is to help save the world in some meaningful way, really. I have, for a very long time, often considered what it would take and the only thing that I could ever come up with that might actually change the course of humanity is the evidence of a unifying God.
Well, lo and behold…folks, I think we’re getting there. It is nothing to be scared of, compared to what happens to humanity and habitat on a daily basis. I wish people knew how to see it the way I do, that they were able to feel it the way that I have come to feel it, a pure and accepted joy. I want that in my heart. I want that in this world.
Some of these pictures were taken away from my usual station on the porch. Some in the east part of the county and this afternoon, seeking higher ground, I found an amazing little field on the top of a mountain – directly across town from my house.
I liked the change in perspective, the openness and all the acorns on the ground – the way the light was different, facing the setting sun.
Really, what choice do I have, but to keep going?